however beautiful a place to visit is Californing, I cannot take permanent residence where:
roadways are so shamefully maintained,
mirrored lakes become impenetrable wetlands (however slowly),
roast duck is not more ably prepared,
snow persists well into the summer,
"burgers" are produced in short order and may contain within a single bun multiple patties,
the indigenous population is so brazenly fecund and fainéant,
and, judging only from the screams for I dared not venture too near, seaside visitors are subject to all manner of Medieval torture.